Learning and Growing

I'm trying to gear myself up/pray about an internet fast. I'm not sure how it's going to work out, being that I'm the one in charge of giving inquiring minds new info on my mom's condition. I just know that the one thing that is a hinders me from really digging into God's word is the time I spend messing around on the computer after Kendall goes to bed.

I begin with that just because, obviously, I've gone through a roller-coaster of emotions this last week, and the journey is only beginning. Evan and I had some great conversation last night about everything that is going on with my mom/my emotions and feelings towards it all and more. The one thing I know is that through this, God wants me to KNOW HIM. Not just know ABOUT Him, learn some new lesson or have an "a-ha" moment, but truly KNOW HIM. I'm determined that I can't miss out. I just can't.

I mentioned not too long ago about my quiet time (or lack thereof) and how I couldn't seem to spend consistent time in God's Word since finishing up the last bible study. I'm not sure why, but I've never been very good at just sitting down, opening up the bible and reading it. I am just one of those people that needs structure or some sort of a guide. But I really LONG to be a person (like my hubby) who can just sit down, open up God's word and read. Sometimes I feel like I'm just not smart enough to do it on my own. Sometimes I just feel like I go to the same places over and over...Psalm, James, the Gospels, Genesis 22. Other times I feel like I don't read things the way they are written or intended. Really, those are all just excuses and Satan's attempt (sadly, victorious) at keeping me from reading God's word. I've realized,though, that if I will make the effort to read the Bible, God will bless that effort. He will reveal to me places I need to turn or books I need to read. He will give me the wisdom and understanding, if I will just do it.

Last Monday evening, after we got word about my mom needing the transplants, I sat down with God. It was HORRIBLY late, but I couldn't sleep. I just talked to Him, wrote in my journal and then I turned to a comfort passage, Romans 8:28. The verse says, "And we know that in all things God works together for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Usually, I read on to the end of the chapter, where it talks about "God being for us," how he "spared his own son" and "that nothing can separate us from the love of Christ." That night, however, I stopped reading after verse 28 and decided I wanted to know more about what God said about "working together for good." I went to the cross-references (you know, the tiny writing in the middle of the columns) and wrote down all the verses that were cross referenced to verse 28. I've been reading through those the last few nights and God is revealing Himself to me. I'm learning things that I've always believed as truth, but now I KNOW it's written in scripture. At this time, while my mom is so ill and the future is so uncertain, I need to know WHO GOD IS more than anything else.

I know this is getting long (for those of you who have stuck with me!) but I really wanted to throw in this one passage that just keeps screaming at me. It's in Hebrews.

Hebrews 6:13-20 (NIV) says the following:

When God made his promise to Abraham, since there was no one greater for him to swear by, he swore by himself, saying, "I will surely bless you and give you many descendants."And so after waiting patiently, Abraham received what was promised. Men swear by someone greater than themselves, and the oath confirms what is said and puts an end to all argument. Because God wanted to make the unchanging nature of his purpose very clear to the heirs of what was promised, he confirmed it with an oath. God did this so that, by two unchangeable things in which it is impossible for God to lie, we who have fled to take hold of the hope offered to us may be greatly encouraged. We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. It enters the inner sanctuary behind the curtain, where Jesus, who went before us, has entered on our behalf. He has become a high priest forever, in the order of Melchizedek.

First, I just want to point out how big God is. When the promise was made to Abraham, God swore by himself. God couldn't swear by anyone else, because there was nothing bigger to swear by. What happened? Abraham received what was promised and was blessed with many descendants.

Next, right here in scripture it says that God's nature is UNCHANGING and it's impossible for Him to lie. In a world where things are in constant change and lie after lie is told, I'm so thankful that I can trust in God's unchanging nature and know that he will never lie to me. He will never break a promise or promise something He can't fulfill.

Last, God is HOPE. He is an anchor that is FIRM and SECURE. I don't know what tomorrow holds for my family, but I know that I can trust in the promises and truth of God's word.

If you don't hear from me via this blog for a while, just know that I'm taking some time to get rid of some distractions. I'll be back. I'm sure I'll have lots to share!

8 months

Kendall is 8 months old today!!!

There are no pictures, but I do have a couple of videos that Evan will post soon. For some reason, every time I try to post a video, it won't play. Whatever. I'm not savvy with technology AND I don't have the patience to sit and mess with it.

It seems like Kendall is doing so much more than she was even a month ago AND that it happened over night! I swear, the child has NO fear, and she does not get that from her momma! (I'm already praying for where her fearless personality lands us during her teenage years!!!) :) She crawls EVERYWHERE and pulls up on EVERYTHING! Kendall is trying to figure out how to sit down after she pulls up on something, but can't quite get it. We laugh as we watch her take one hand off the coffee table (or whatever) and reach to the floor.

She babbles ALL the time. She says "ma ma ma ma ma" and "da" a lot, but very indiscriminately. She also loves to say "la la la" and stick her tongue out. She smiles constantly and loves to laugh.

I completely quit nursing about a week ago. Kendall was doing great in the mornings, but the before bed feeding had become a chore. She was fighting it, and I was frustrated. For a couple of days in a row, I would nurse her, then we'd end up giving her two ounces of formula. Finally, I decided to pump, just to see what I was giving her at night. (Not that I think that is completely accurate, but at least a way to gauge.) I think I pumped about 2.5 ounces that night. I knew she was needing more than that to make it through the night, so I just decided to bite the bullet and give it up. I had enough of a frozen supply to get through two more weeks, so she still gets one pumped bottle at night. (That will run out sometime this week.) I know I don't get the "I nursed for a full year" badge, but I have to say that I'm pretty proud of my 8 months. I also think God timed it perfectly, now that my mom is so ill. If I do end up needing to go to Nashville and stay, I can leave Kendall with Evan without having to worry about pumping/feeding issues.

Kendall sleeps a solid 12 hours at night. She usually goes to bed around 8 and sleeps until about 8 in the morning. She gets 5 bottles during the day and a breakfast/lunch/dinner of solid foods. I think she could go on 4 bottles a day, but with her weight issue, I'm going to hang on to the 5th bottle until her 9 month well baby visit. Sometime this week, I need to take her for a weight check. I think she's gaining just fine, I'd just like to know where we are! I'm still making her baby food. She loves so much stuff...pears, squash, sweet potatoes, applesauce (I buy packaged), carrots, bananas, oatmeal, peas, peaches......I'm going to try green beans again soon; I'm thinking if I mix them in with something she likes, she might take them a lot better. Deceptively delicious, right?!?!?! She also loves toast, but she's not real big on the puffs yet. We are working on the sippy cup and she sort-of gets it, but can't figure out how to turn it up to get anything out. Evan gets really tickled everytime I say, "Kendall, tip it up." I think he's having flashbacks to his days of partying! HA! (We aren't even going there!!!) :)

Kendall loves to play. She loves anything that rattles and her ring-stacker thing. She also loves board books AND when you read to her. I LOVE that she loves books!!! Kendall also loves bathtime and her rubber duckies!

Our biggest challenge right now is changing diapers and getting dressed. She is a wiggle worm! I've made up a "diaper song" that I sing to her to keep her attention instead of rolling over. Evan likes to sing the Razorback fight song to her, which she also enjoys! Sometimes, we just have to "tag-team" it. After bath is the worst. She's just fired up and ready to go.

Oh, and we've got a tooth coming in. I can barely see it, but can certainly feel it with my finger. I'm praying it will cut soon. She's a little on the cranky side these days!

I think that is about all...I'm sure you all loved reading a novel about my child! HA! This is really more for my sake than yours anyway! :)

Watch for videos, they are coming soon!!!

Back to your regularly scheduled programming...

It seems as though all is well for the moment. I am thankful. I know my mom isn't in the clear by any means, but I'm really glad things are settling down some. I fell asleep last night around 11, which was early considering since Monday, my head hadn't hit the pillow before 1 in the morning. I had a THROBBING headache all day Thursday and Friday, and I know it was from a lack of sleep. We (my dad, mom, and sister) have all truly been overwhelmed by the love from our friends and family, AND from people we don't even know that well. God is good.

Yesterday Kendall and I went to the mall. I don't think I've been to the mall since before we went to Arkansas in May. I didn't really go for anything in particular, although I am in need of some summer-time tops. I was able to find a couple. I brought a few home and am debating on which ones to keep. It was kind-of rainy here all day yesterday, so it was just good to get out of the house. AND it actually helped get my mind off everything else.

Today was the first Saturday I've ever not had to tutor without asking off. I really don't mind going in on Saturdays...it's pretty laid back and quiet at the center. Since Evan, Kendall and I are always at home together anyway, it's not like me going to tutor for a couple of hours is taking away from family time. However, it was nice to just be able to hang out today. Evan went to help some folks move, so Kendall and I just hung out and played this morning. After Kendall woke up from her afternoon nap, we all loaded up and went to the Seminary pool for about an hour and a half. The weather was great-in the 80s-so it was actually nice enough to just sit out by the fountain and soak up the sun. Evan took Kendall inside to play in the water a couple of times, which she loved. I sat on the edge of the fountain pool with Kendall and let her dip her feet in the water a couple of times, but the water was FREEZING!!! Kendall was pretty content to sit in the lounge chair with me or Evan and play with her duck and sand shovel. Anyway, I'd so much rather be outside in the summer. Sitting inside on a warm, sunny day about makes me crazy!!!






I thought these pictures were really cute. Especially the very first one and the next to last one, where it looks like she's snubbing the camera! I think that hat was in some stuff that Meredith sent for Kendall and belonged to Graham. It just happened to be in my pool bag, and came in quite handy today, since the hat I actually packed was too big. I kept saying Kendall looked like a British police officer or something with that hat on, and Evan just came in and said the hat makes her look like G.I. Joe!!! It doesn't matter...she's still precious!

New Website

I set up a separate web-site that is all about my mom. Here is the link:

http://journeyofjanice.blogspot.com/

Since my dad has given me the job of keeping folks up-to-date, I decided it would be easier for me to make a web-site and post everything in one place than to respond to tons of email everyday. Plus, I don't know if everyone wants to see pictures and videos of Kendall!

Please visit the link whenever and pass it along to anyone who may be interested!

Thanks again for your prayers and support! I'm overwhelmed with all the love!

My Mom

**Update-6/18-Mom got word today that she will be taken to Vanderbilt tomorrow or Friday for the prelimenary testing for the transplant(s). (My dad actually called it something else on the phone, but I can't remember now!) Daddy snuck his cell phone up to CCU tonight, so I was able to hear my momma's voice for the first time since last Monday. I told her I felt like I was talking to Darth Vadar since she is wearing an oxygen mask! We talked for a few minutes, and she is VERY hopeful. I heard the hope in her voice. I told her, "I'm scared, excited, nervous, sad, etc." My mom's exact words were, "Don't be scared, Leah. It's all in the Lord's hands. It's gonna be okay." What comfort.

Keep praying. It's working.

I don't even know where to start this blog post. I've started and erased about 10 times already.

Here goes...

(My mom and me, November 05)

For those of you who don't know my mom, let me introduce you. Her name is Janice. She's 53 years old and was diagnosed with a very serious lung disease called Primary Pulmonary Hypertension (PPH) about four years ago. Since that time, she's gone through some extensive treatment for her disease, the latest being a main-line port/pump/IV (whatever you want to call it) that was put in about a year and a half ago.

Since falling and breaking her elbow a few weeks ago, my mom hasn't felt well at all. She's retained a lot of fluid again (the same thing that happened back in December when she was in the hospital for about 10 days) and has struggled to get her oxygen levels regulated. She's been in CCU at Baptist Hospital in Little Rock since last Wednesday.

My mom's main pulmonologist is located in Nashville, and he was on vacation last week. Yesterday he teleconferenced extensively with the cardiologist and pulmonologist in Little Rock. Through the teleconference, the doctors have decided that my mom's "pump" has done about all it's going to do to help her. The next step is a heart AND lung transplant.

Right now, about all we know that she will go on to Vanderbilt for preliminary testing to see if she is even a candidate for the surgery. A lot is unknown at this point. Please keep my entire family (especially my dad, sister, and me) in your prayers. We have a lot of emotions and unanswered questions.

The good news is that right now, my mom is doing very well. They were able to turn her oxygen down to about 65 yesterday, which is huge, considering it had been at 90-100 the last few days. From what I hear, she is as alert, positive, and full of life. She has had lots of visitors, which I'm sure brighten her spirits always. I am now, more than ever, thankful for the week Kendall and I got to spend with her--even if it wasn't at the beach.

If you would like to send her your thoughts, you can do so at this link. We don't know how much longer she will be in LR, but while she is there, I know she would love any encouragement/well wishes from friends and family.

Please know that my family's faith is not weak. We serve a BIG God who can heal and perform miracles anytime he so chooses. We fully trust and believe that is truth. We also know that a heart/lung transplant is a very big deal. My mom knows and loves the Lord with her whole heart. While death from an earthly perspective is sad, it's glorious from an eternal one. We are praying (I know, because my dad, sister, and I have talked about it) for God's will to be done. However God chooses to heal her (whether it be through a miracle transplant or taking her home to heaven), we just hope and pray she won't endure much more suffering. Either way, my mom wins and God will recieve ALL the honor and glory!

Please just remember my family in your thoughts and prayers! I will try to keep the blog updated as best I can with info on how she's doing and how you can specifically pray for us.

PS. I'm very sorry that some of you are having to read this in a blog post. So many of you I wanted to call or email personally, but I just can't do it. Please don't be upset with me! I feel kind-of funny writing this for lots of reasons...it's impersonal, I'm putting my family and myself out there for everyone to see, and I'm having to process a lot of this while a I write (which is somewhat therapeutic). If you know my family very well, we wouldn't be classified in the "private" category when it comes to issues as these. I think the way we see it, the better off we will be because we have more people praying!

Fun for Kendall!

Evan and I took Kendall to the Seminary pool Thursday evening. Let's just say that Kendall is her mother's child and LOVES the water! (I remember calling my mom from the pool last year when I was pregnant with Kendall because it seemed she became the most active anytime we were outside, especially in the sun!) We had an inflatable baby seat, but something was wrong with the valve on it and it wouldn't stay aired up, so we ended up just having to hold her in the water. We mainly just sat with her in the baby pool. She had a big time splashing and making noise!

Kendall and I were invited over to Kylie and Will's house on Friday. The play date was supposed to be a swim date, but we got rained out, so we just hung out inside. Will is only two weeks older than Kendall and he is PRECIOUS!!! Kylie's friendship has certainly been a blessing to me, since we have babies so close in age. Kylie and I LOVE to talk "mommy stuff" and it's nice to have someone who has a baby that is going through the same stages. I'm sure our husbands appreciate that Kylie and I have each other, too, so we don't talk their ears to death with baby talk! The babies mainly did their own things, but it was fun to watch them interact some with each other. Kylie's nephew and s-i-l came over to play, also. Josiah (Kylie's nephew) is a couple months older than Will and Kendall, and he is a CUTIE!!! We had such a fun time with everyone!

Projects

I've had a couple of projects going recently around our house. The first was a sanding/painting project. I love new furniture, but also love old pieces with meaning or that have had a little "sweat" put into them. I can promise you that if I had the time to refinish/paint, I 'd be totally okay with decorating my house with flea market finds. I have several pieces of furniture that are sentimental to me, one being my Mammaw's gate-leg table, a side table that belonged to my great-grandmother, and now the high chair that belonged to my sister and me.

This is what the high chair looked like when my daddy brought it to us last fall:

This is what it looks like now:
I finally got around to sanding it one morning, and Evan very graciously painted it for me. My mom ordered the high-chair pad off of Etsy and it came in the mail today. We've basically just had Kendall sitting in it with one of my belts around her to keep her from sliding out!!! I just love the way it turned out and love even more that Kendall is eating from the same high chair that her Aunt Kara and mommy ate from!

The second project was a painting project. A couple of months back, I was needing a small diaper bag for Kendall. When leaving her in the nursery, it's such a hassle for me to carry a purse for myself and one of her huge diaper bags to church. I looked on-line for something for a while, but didn't want to pay an arm and a leg for one. One day, I ran across a bag in Target that was on a clearance rack for $4. I picked it up, thinking, "I'll send this to my mom and let her take it to be monogrammed." One Sunday night when I was picking Kendall up from the nursery at church, my new friend Carey said, "Did you get that bag at Target?" I told her "yes" and then went on to say that I was planning on sending it to my mom so she could have it monogrammed for me. Carey said, "Well, I can take it and monogram it for you." I said, "You have a monogramming machine?!?!?!" She said, "Yes, and I don't care to do that for you." So, I sent Kendall's bag with Carey.

Later that week, Carey invited our family over to play games with some other couples (which was a blast, by the way!) and I picked up my bag. I asked her how much I owed her, and she handed me a canvas and asked if I would paint the canvas for her daughter's room. Of course, I jumped on an opportunity to do some painting!

So, I got this:

In exchange for this:
I get really nervous painting for other people because I am a perfectionist, and most of my paintings are FAR from perfect. (Evan says that is the joy in painting. There isn't anything perfect about it!) I sent this picture to Carey via email and she said she loved it. She also said she was thinking of doing some craft fairs this fall with her sewing/monogramming and wanted to know if I might join her with some canvases. I think it would be tons of fun!

on the move

Here are couple of short videos of Kendall that Leah and I shot over the weekend. Its pretty amazing to us how quickly this mobility thing has come about. It seems like just yesterday we could lay her in the floor surrounded by some pillows and know that she would be o.k. for a while because she couldn't even roll over on her stomach. Now, when you set her down, you better keep an eye on her or she'll be in the next room trying to see what's in the trashcan.

New Things...

1.) A new job...I accepted a job teaching 6th grade Social Studies at Conway Middle School this week. (Not Conway, Arkansas...I know some of y'all were getting excited thinking we were moving back to Arkansas! Conway is the name of the middle school. It's in the Jefferson County Public School District.) I'm excited about it and believe this is the place I need to be. I don't think I ever shared about the interview at the Christian School...while I am very thankful I had the opportunity to interview, I never had a peace about the job for many reasons...longer day, longer drive, dual prep, etc. I actually was offered the job, but turned it down. For whatever reason, I'm learning to truly believe that God has called me to work with impoverished students at this point in my life. (I often ask Him if that will be my calling forever. My teacher friends that read this can understand why I ask God this a lot.!!! Working with this population of students is NOT an easy task!) My new school seems to be a lot like KMS, minus the Hispanic/Marshallese population, so the language barrier issue is not one I will have to worry about much.

I have told several people this week, and even emailed my former principal, that I don't think I will ever have a problem getting a teaching job for the rest of my life. I'm not saying that out of vanity or thinking that "I'm an awesome teacher" because I often feel VERY inadequate to do my job. I say that because of the experience I had working at J.O. Kelly for 5 years. I wish you could have seen the faces on the interview panel when I told them I worked at a school that was about 60% Hispanic. Most of their eyes about bugged out of their heads! When I told the ones interviewing me about the high Marshallese population in Springdale, they had never even heard of the Marshall Islands. I felt such honor being able to share about the Marshallese culture and my experience teaching these students. Now, more than ever, am I grateful that I was hired by Ms. Ford six years ago. I learned so much and grew so much professionally during my experience at J.O. Kelly and I know all of what I learned will come in handy in the near future!

One of the questions I asked the panel was "How would you describe the relationship among the staff at your school?" They all said that everyone got along really well and even spent time together outside of school. One of the guys went on to say that "Out of all the schools he's taught at in the United States and a couple overseas, that by-far Conway's staff was the best staff to work with." I had to bite my tongue because I just wanted to answer with, "Oh, yeah? Well, you've never worked at J.O. Kelly Middle School. Nobody can hold a candle to the staff there!"

Oh...6th grade Social Studies is geography, which is what I taught when I was 7th grade at KMS. However, I think I gave away my notebook with all my resources!! (Carol...I may be getting you to fax me some stuff again!!!) :)

2.) Kendall discovered herself in the mirror this week. This is somewhat new. We have a little video of it that I'll have to get Evan to put on here later. So funny. She would get as close as she could to the mirror and then would crawl over to the side to see if she could see someone behind it. She played with "her friend" in the mirror forever!

3.) Kendall also is REALLY trying to pull up. She can get on her knees, but can't seem to figure out how to get all the way to her feet. One afternoon, I put her down for a nap and could hear something in her room. I poked my head in the door to see, and she was up on her knees banging on the rail of the crib. Now it seems like she's pulling up on her knees with everything. The pictures that follow are her pulling up on her car seat. (We have a video of this, too, but again, I don't know how to download those on blogger to make them play.) Today, I looked over and she had actually crawled into the car seat!!! Evan and I were sitting on the couch just a few minutes ago, and Kendall pulled up (on her knees) on the coffee table. Look out!!! She's becoming more mobile by the minute!!!

4.) A new sickness...Kendall has been sick with something since last Wednesday. She started running a low-grade fever Wednesday afternoon and had a runny nose, but I really didn't think too much about it. Evan and I have terrible allergies and it seems like every time we come back from a trip, Kendall gets allergy sick. She's never had fever before, but I really just thought it was probably her teeth. Then, on Thursday, the runny nose turned into a yucky, snotty nose and she still ran a little temp. We debated about taking her to the doctor on Friday, and talked ourselves out of it because it said to only call if the fever was higher than 101 degrees. She was running about 99 most of the time. (I think once we took it and it was 100.) Anyway, I'm really wishing we would have taken her to the doctor, because I'm a little afraid she might have an ear infection. She is still sleeping through the night, eating and playing fine, and hasn't really been tugging on her ears, but I'm still a little concerned, being that TODAY is the first day she hasn't had fever. I stayed home from church with her this morning and it seems as though her snotty nose is clearing up some, but it's still kind-of gross. Plus, she has this bump on the back of her head like a pimple that we aren't sure what it is. Evan was thinking an ingrown hair, but it has progressively become larger. I'd kind-of like to get that checked out as well, so I'm thinking I'll probably make an appointment tomorrow. It's just so difficult to know what to do!!!

5.) A new accountability partner...(I'm putting this out there in hopes that some of my N&O friends are in the same boat I am) I NEED ONE!!!! My quiet time is all out-of-whack since the Thursday Morning Bible Study came to an end. (Not to mention traveling twice in one month!!!!) My friend Miranda and I met weekly in AR to pray, talk about what God was doing in our lives, memorize scripture, etc.and I am DESPERATE to have this again!!! I'm praying God will provide this person for me!

6.) A new pool...I am missing my pool/sun time this summer. I have yet to step my foot into any kind of water! In the summer, I am not an "inside the house" kind of girl! I am TOTALLY having withdrawls from the FCC pool, Scottie and Allyce's pool, and the PG Aquatic Park. The seminary has an indoor pool with a little fountain area outside to sit in the sun, but I haven't been yet. (I'm also a little afraid to take Kendall swimming by myself, and I also don't think a swimming pool is the best place for her to be while she is sick!) All the other pools nearby are indoor, too. Plus, we haven't taken Kendall to the pool yet, so I don't know how she will do. She's so little and doesn't need tons of sun exposure, so I don't really want to pay an arm and a leg to only be able to stay somewhere for 30-45 minutes, you know? Evan has offered to stay with Kendall so I can go sit in the sun somewhere for an afternoon, but I feel gulity leaving Kendall, knowing that I'm about to go back to work full time this fall. Anyway...such a dillema, huh??? Do I need to just get over the fact that I'm going to be pasty white this summer?!?!?! HA!!!

7.) A new rule...I'm debating on having a "no-edit" rule when I blog. I just re-read this post and I see about a million errors I need to fix, but it will take way too long and Kendall is waking up from her nap. It's killing the grammar teacher in me...